saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
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I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.