Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
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“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I need to get some bricks…
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
At an art museum and I thought this was art
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee