Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
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“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat