About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
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what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Haha good job!!
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.