Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
You Might Also Like
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo