If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
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My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
can you read it!!??
maan!
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.