I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
You Might Also Like
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
*cough*
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy