those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
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“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
scares
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign