[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
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If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!