“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
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*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.