I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
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Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
the icebreaker
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Sheep
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure