WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
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Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
how high up are we talkin’?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat