dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
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I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
*aggressively waits in line*
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were