“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
You Might Also Like
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
my favorite genre of twitter
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.