partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
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The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*