Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
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What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*