If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
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Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Ok, but like, how married are you?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”