How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
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Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
FINE, I WON’T.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.