Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
mentally somewhere in italy
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Here’s a meme
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.