Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
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Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.