me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
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I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
my dad has had enough
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Woke up against my better judgment again
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.