i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
You Might Also Like
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them