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My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what