Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
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Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal