Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
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Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.