*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
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starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
tourist season
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.