Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
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Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Perfect
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.