Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
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Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Legend 🤣🤣
uncle dave has been through hell
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.