You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
You Might Also Like
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask