*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
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I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.