If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
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People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Just had my nails done!
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”