i smell a pulitzer
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EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!