going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
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Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.