I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
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I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Why font matters.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.