People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
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I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
o shit
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
#oldknees
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*