ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.