Seek kebab; not attention
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Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.