Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
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Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.