Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
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I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
White Castle for the Win
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.