Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
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Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Dance like you’re not the father
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola