Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
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Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang