Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
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School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
not seeing the problem
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.