the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
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dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
If you had more money you’d be happier.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
why no one uses midhusbands
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary