I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I have questions??
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.