Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
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Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.