The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
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What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell