Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
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Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Aight bet
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
We’ve all been there…
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?