listen closely
You Might Also Like
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
ouch
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Unexpected Judgment
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.