When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
You Might Also Like
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.