So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
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I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
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Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late